Beneath the Surface of the Circle

Growing up in a family with all boys, and in a family that moved around every couple of years, it was somewhat difficult for me to cultivate and keep long-lasting, meaningful relationships with other females. Although I grew up having friends, in every town I lived in and at every school I attended, those classic childhood BFF friendships, you know the kind that carries over into adulthood…Yeah, well I never experienced any of those. Sure, I still communicate with a few of my old friends here and there. But, I can’t honestly say that I have any one particular friend that I am deeply rooted with and thriving in life with, because that relationship doesn’t exist.

Yes, I do have friends, friends who I genuinely love and care about and who love and care about me. But honestly, most of those friendships were developed, and are thriving mainly because of common life goals that we currently share. However, they are only surface deep. If either one of us were to change our goals or direction in life, those friendships would inevitably fall by the wayside. I have experienced it time and time again, regardless of how genuine the love and care is being shown and reciprocated, it happens.

For many years, I assumed I was all alone on this seemingly peculiar journey, as I often encountered females with their “girlfriends”, spending “girl time”, doing what gathered girls do…

If there is one common and consistent thought among the majority of females, regardless of their relationship status, it is the idea that we are all alone in whatever situation we find ourselves in. That no one else knows what we are going through, no one else can relate or understand our personal situation. It’s a lie that most live by, despite knowing better.

Growing up, I occasionally imagined what it must be like to have “those types” of close, deep, meaningful friendships. I especially favored those who had sisters or strong relationships with their Mothers, or with other women in their lives, like daughters, aunts, nieces, grandmothers, etc.

For years, I was taught to believe that there must be something wrong with me because other females weren’t interested in inviting me or keeping me in their “inner circles”. There were times I even had difficulty connecting with and bonding with my own mother and daughters, regardless of how much we love each other or how much time we spent together. I couldn’t convince anyone that I preferred being alone rather in the company of others, even family. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy spending time with them, because I certainly did. But giving the choice, my default was to opt out of social gatherings and preferred spending time alone instead. I was quite content with being a “Loner” and not having those deep connections and close relationships.

I was told I had “Mommy Issues” and that was the main reason why I couldn’t develop those deep relationships. I was also told I had Commitment issues, Connection issues, Accountability issues, Trauma issues, Trust issues… basically, me and my issues were the reason why I was having issues developing and keeping deep, personal and close relationships with other females…

So for years, I worked really hard to change things about myself, in order to Trust more, Connect more, Commit more, deal with past Traumas and get some Accountability in my life, etc. Yet nothing significant happened or changed in my relationships with females.

Interestingly, after having conversions with other females over the past several years, I discovered that I actually hadn’t been the Lone Ranger I thought I was all of these years. There are literally hundreds of other female acquaintances, just like me, who have journeyed through most of their life, alone or without long-lasting, deep, meaningful female friendships.

>Females who DO NOT HAVE Mommy Issues or Connection Issues or ANY of the other issues that so many tend to believe are at the root of the female relationship gap.

>I have also had conversations with females who DO HAVE Mommy Issues and some of the other issues listed above, yet have simultaneously been able to develop, nurture and maintain deep, lifelong friendships with other females.

So I say all of this to say…why is it that people continue to put blame where there is no justifiable cause to do so?

Why can’t we simply call it what it is, rather than trying to find someone or something to blame?

>>What it really all comes down to is Personal “Choice” and “Preference”.

Because truth be told, People “choose” who they want or don’t want in their inner circle, just as some people “prefer” to do life with or without others in their deep, inner circle.

Plain and Simple.

Oh and BTW, Males aren’t exempt!

 

 

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